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A tale of two lawyers - The Case of the Promiscuous Cow Minimize

This is a most unusual case, involving what the official reports call a waste of judicial time, however to the parties involved it was a matter of principle.

The case involved a case of cattle trespass, namely and to wit the unauthorised use of a cow by a bull. Cases of this nature would not normally be undertaken by our two protagonists, but when VERY rich people are prepared to spent ‘whatever it takes', well , what can you do but agree to take the case.

Normally, Ms. Pontifex Jones would not act for a male, she seeing all men as below contempt, but she never let her principles get in the way of a lot of money, paid in advance, with the prospect of more to come if she won the case of cattle trespass.

Her client was the owner of Clarabelle, a family pet, much loved by the small children of her client, a rich importer of fine fabrics, amongst other things. His children had observed with great interest the birth of the twin calves Clarabelle produced, which greatly upset her client, who thought it most unseemly a scene for small children to witness.

Erasmus Smith was retained by the owner of the bull, Precious, so named because he had cost a small fortune and his owner was the accountant for Erasmus. After the usual skirmishes, the case came to court and Pontifex waxed eloquent on the subject of the negligence of the owner of the bull in leaving a gap in the fence, between the property of her client, Fergus McMann and the adjoining property of Hamish Mc Dougall, the owner of the bull.

She claimed that the children of her client had been corrupted, that her client had suffered mental anguish and that Clarabelle now spent all her time staying at the now enclosed gap in the fence.

After Pontifex had gleefully finished her case, Erasmus began his address to the Court ; he noted that no proof had been produced that Precious was indeed the father of the two calves, that there were no witnesses to the alleged interaction between Precious and Clarabelle.

Erasmus then played his ace; if Precious was indeed the father of the twin calves, as alleged, then his owner was entitled to a stud fee, which was estimated to be roughly equivalent to the price received when both calves had been sold.

At this point, Her Honour lost patience with both Pontifex and Erasmus, as she had a migraine headache, a huge case list and no sense of humour; Her Honour refused to make a ruling, said she was reporting both Pontifex and Erasmus to the Bar Council for wasting precious Court time and called for the next case to commence.

During their post case dinner the clerks for Erasmus and Pontifex had a good laugh, because they had negotiated a settlement between the two parties and earned for themselves a sizeable bonus each.

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