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A bureaucratic adventure - Part 1Minimize

At around 7.30 am one cold Saturday morning Phred Snagg woke up in a bed that was not his, next to a blonde bombshell who was fast asleep.

Phred could not remember anything about the night before and peeking nervously under the Doanna, his worst fears were confirmed; neither he nor the blonde bombshell had any clothes on – they were both naked!!

Fear gripped Phred’s vitals; what would his wife say ? Relief swept over Phred as he realised he was not married.Just as he was about to engage in a Zen moment, the blonde bombshell sat upright and looked in horror at Phred.Phred, being a man of action, laid the blonde bombshell down on the bed and told her a fairy story.Much relieved that Phred was able to string more than two words together at the same time, the blonde bombshell, who revealed that her name was Gertrude, realising that this was her home, suggested that they go and have breakfast.

Phred, not knowing where his clothes were, thought he should go and find them before going out, failing that, he suggested that if he were pointed
in the direction of the kitchen and told where things were, he would make breakfast.

The idea of a man making breakfast was such a novel idea to Gertrude that she immediately agreed to this, gave Phred the necessary instructions and then went back to sleep.

She was brought back to consciousness by the aroma of hot coffee, bacon eggs and fried tomatoes.Having a healthy appetite for most things, she tucked in and ate to her heart’s content.

Not only had Phred cooked this delicious breakfast, but having found his clothes, he had washed and dried all but his trousers and was now fully

Gertrude figured she could use a man who could cook, do washing and string more than two words together at once, so she set out to persuade Phred to move in on a permanent basis, with or without the benefit of marriage.

After thinking about this for a while, Phred thought it would be a good idea and moved in. Time went by and after their third child they decided to get married, which was when the trouble started.

Gertrude was faithful to Phred whilst there was no “ties”, but once they were married, Gertrude felt trapped, so one morning, she took the children and left.

Now Phred was an easy going knock about sort of bloke, who was both a plumber and an electrician by profession and he figured that if Gertrude wanted to go, who was he to object??

Gertrude returned to University and finished off her degree in Feminist Marxism, which she had put on hold to have her third child and joined the Commonwealth Department of Women’s Affairs as an Advocate for young single women who wished to remain young and single.

Soon after all this, she read a paper on how fathers were not accepting their responsibility for raising their children and her thoughts turned to Phred.She had spoken to him a few times and he had asked how the children were, but had not offered to pay anything towards the upkeep of her children.

Fired up with feminist zeal, she commenced proceedings against Phred for maintenance and support, as well as loss of conjugal rights.

A series of sessions of mediation were ordered by the Court, before any proceedings could commence, so Gertrude and Phred started this.
Now Phred did not like bureaucrats, whereas Gertrude, being one, thought that was nothing better than bureaucrats and bureaucracy.

Inevitably, Phred became bored with the game playing and double talk, so committed the ultimate sin; he offered to meet all the demands made by Gertrude, give her everything they jointly owned and then depart the scene for a remote mining location where he could enjoy peace and quiet.

This totally incensed and angered Gertrude; she wanted to make Phred’s life an absolute misery, for not being able to meet her demands.

However, Phred did not wait around for her to make his life a misery; he appointed a barrister by the name of Erasmus Smith to act as his attorney and took himself off to the remote mining location, to enjoy a life of peace and quiet.

This threw a whole slew of bureaucracies into a spin, caused several bureaucrats to break one of their cardinal rules, that is never to talk to one another and created an absolute blizzard of paperwork.

Whilst this was all happening, Gertrude engaged the services of a barrister by the name of Pontifex Jones, who foamed at the mouth
when she discovered that Phred was represented by that fiend in human form, that absolute monster, Erasmus Smith.

If you want to know what happened from here on in, you will have to listen to the next exciting episode.



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